Diary Of A Wimpy Kid:Meet Alex Rider
by the touched
Summary: The discovery of the diary of a wimpy kid series turns greg into a gun-wielding serial killer what happens when he meets Alex Rated T for violence and swearing. Do not try any of these stunts in real life, I do not advocate violence, this is merely a joke and fiction.
1. Chapter 1

As Greg left 's 7th period he thought about how much he sucked. He slowly walked home and leaped into bed ahh, he loved his afterschool naps. A few hours later he was shaken up by his dad, "Get up Greg! Time for dinner". After dinner Greg watched American Idol while doing his homework "Alright Jimmy wins American Idol". Since Greg was paying more attention to the show than his homework he wrote down a bunch of mumbo jumbo for all his homework.

The next day Greg's 1st period geography teacher said "everyone turn in your homework it's 98% of your grade". "When did he saw that" thought Greg, but he turned in his homework anyways. After the period ended and everyone went outside for recess, called Greg over. "This is the absolute worst piece of homework I've ever seen, look at your answers. Who was the 8th president of the United States?, you put Jimmy Nolan" said Mr. Darwinson, "I'm afraid you've flunked this assignment which means you've flunked my course so you have to do summer school". The recess bell rang and Greg rushed to 2nd period, but the late bell had already rung as Greg got into class. "What took you so long, not have enough fun at recess", said Mr. Feral Greg's Math teacher, Greg's least favorite teacher. Greg tripped over someone's leg as he was walking to his desk and all the content of his bags fell out, the entire class roared with laughter and Greg struggled to find his seat. "Alright class turn in your homework quiz worth 80% of your grade", said Mr. Feral. "Where's yours Greg "said Mr. Feral as he walked towards Greg. "I..I…I.. don't have it sir" stammered Greg. "Well Greg you're going to serve one hour of detention today and you flunked my course" said Mr. Feral" so you'll have to take summer school". The rest of the day at school went on a similar pattern, and by the time 7th period ended he had 4 hours of detention and 7 required summer school courses. Greg didn't know how he survived detention when Leon Ricket kept giving Wet Willies but he did, it was dark when Greg got home since it was 7:00 from all his detention time. Luckily Greg managed to sneak in without much trouble and dad thought Greg was asleep, but when mom got home she was enraged. "Gregory Heffley! I told you, you absolutely could not sleep today, you have to go to swimming class don't you remember", yelled mom. After another 5 minutes of yelling she stopped, Greg stomped upstairs to his room and slammed the door to his room, "Screw School!" he thought, then he grabbed all his homework and grabbed his lighter and set it on fire. It was fun watching the fire devour the papers like a hungry child eats. After it was all done burning Greg felt like he was ten pounds lighter. Greg bolted his door shut and fell back into a long peaceful sleep.

"Wake up Greg, School's in ten minutes" yelled Greg's dad pounding on the door. "Shut up!" Greg yelled, "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!" his dad roared. "I SAID TO BLOODY SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH!" Greg roared back. "That's it Greg you are grounded for five weeks no video games no nothing" said Greg's dad. Hearing this Greg was enraged, he slung his back pack over his shoulder and opened his window and slid across down his clothesline to his back yard. Greg unlocked his backyard and then ran out all the way too his school, which is not that far away he's just a wimpy kid.

When Greg got to school he was already twenty-five minutes late, "Why so late, Greg" said his teacher chuckling. Greg wanted to kill his teacher. "You now Greg if you keep this up I'll have to send a message to your parents, now please turn in your homework." said his teacher. "I never will ever do a stupid, retarded piece of homework you give me, so shut up and stop pestering me" said Greg. "HOW DARE YOU BACK TALK TO ME!" said his teacher "in all my years of teaching I have never seen a gayer, retarded, or ruder student as you, now get your butt to the office!"

Greg picked up his bag and walked out of the room heading to the office as he ran to the office, even if running was against school rules, who gave a shit about school rules anyway. As he was running he tripped over the school's biggest bully, Leon Ricket who had stuck his foot out to trip Greg. Greg fell flat out on his face and Leon Ricket chuckled, "still being a nerd Greg". Then with has massive strength he lifted Greg and hurled him all the way to the office. Greg felt like he had broken his neck, but who knew, he was a wimpy kid. Greg tried moving his neck and he found he could, "I must be a wimpy kid" he thought. Greg walked through the office door, and the office assistant Mrs. Garson said "So it's Greg the gay faggot he back talked to his teacher today." "SHUT UP" he yelled, Greg hated being insulted then he grabbed his bag and ran out of the office. "Greg, Remember that you are suspended and if your parents ask why, tell them it's because you're a gay retard" Greg dashed out from his school and all the way to his house, and nearly fainted since he was so tired. "I must be a real wimp" he thought since his house was only one-sixth of a mile from school and his backpack only weighed one-half of a pound.

When Greg got home his parents were infuriated, "Gregory Heffley how could you get suspended, and why did you have to back talk to your teacher." "Shut up you idiots! I can't even call you my parents" yelled Greg. "That's it Greg you've taken it too far, you don't even know your own limits. First back-talking to your teacher now this I'm fed up" yelled Greg's dad. Then in one quick movement he ripped Greg's video game console from the TV and hurled against the wall instantly destroying it. "How could you "yelled Greg," If Manny misbehaves you don't do anything" "Well actually Greg we hate you and hope you rot in hell, we love Manny that's why we pamper him" said Greg's mom. "I agree" said Greg's dad. "You are a bunch of stupid idiots, I hate you!" Greg yelled running up to his room. Seeing he had no choice Greg decided he should find a way to get rid of his family.

The next day, Greg snuck of to school at 6:00 in the morning and spent the next hour vandalizing everything he could find in school and spray-painting bad words all over the walls. Then he took the hose at the front of school and sprayed the entire floor so there was at least an inch of water covering the whole school. Greg snickered and went home, laughing at what would happen to the people who went to school. At school the next few days were spent cleaning up the school, on the day it was done Greg returned to school. Greg went to school early, and he found everyone in the hallways reading a book called Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and they all doubled over in laughter when they saw him. "What's the big idea" he said, and he decided to find out.


	2. Chapter 2

Fregley was the closest one to Greg so Greg roundhouse kicked Fregley in the chest, and then grabbed Fregley by the hair and threw him to the floor, blood was coming out of Fregley's mouth but Greg didn't care instead he picked up the book and started reading it. Greg was infuriated by what he saw apparently this author guy, called Jeff Kinney had been stalking Greg and writing down Greg's intimate life details into a book for profit, then another horrible thought came to Greg, what if he had secretly broken into Greg's house and copied his diaries, those had all his thoughts and feelings. Then Leon Ricket slapped Greg on the back laughing, "Haha the faggot is now a Wimpy Diary writer", everyone in the vicinity doubled over with laughter and rolled on the floor laughing except Fregley of course who was being kicked in the groin repeatedly by kids nearby.

Greg was so embarrassed his cheeks turned bright pink, but luckily the first bell saved him. Greg walked to his first period class where everybody was holding up Diary of a Wimpy Kid and laughing even Mr. Darwinson who was telling everyone Greg probably sold his diary in return for money because he was so poor he needed to be a prostitute for a living. Just then when Greg thought he had been through enough shame the loudspeakers came on and said," Congratulations to the faggot Wimpy Diary Writer called Greg Heffley, anyone who punches him can skip homework for one class and if they punch him in the stomach no homework in all your periods for one week." Then everyone cheered and rushed towards Greg punching him in the stomach multiple times. By the end of the period Greg vomited all over the floor, but no one was nearby except Rowley who managed to avoid the vomit, then he took the Diary of a Wimpy Kid book and slapped Greg with it so hard and he fell into his own vomit. Greg went to his second period 's class but got the same treatment; as soon as he entered the class everyone ran towards him and started punching him. By the end of the period Greg felt ready to vomit his guts out. Greg knew he was going to get the same treatment in every one of his periods, so he decided to camp out in the bathroom for the rest of the day. When he got to the bathroom he had to dodge several punches and ran into a stall locked it and waited for the horrible day to end. An hour after school was over and nobody was there Greg hurried home. The next few days were like this for Greg, so Greg developed a routine, hide in the bathroom for the entire school day. Luckily a few days later all the punching ended and died down to mild teasing. The next day was Saturday, Manny got out some boxing gloves and started punching Greg in the stomach calling him a faggot Wimpy Diary writer, Greg's mom and dad watched this from a few feet away and started cheering him, Greg had to deal with this for several hours and afterwards he felt ready to die. Manny didn't even get punished, in fact they took him out for ice cream and they told him they were proud of what he had done.

The next day was Sunday and Greg and his family went to church, they arrived late so Greg and his family had to sit in front of the Hills family who Greg hated, he especially hated Holly Hills. However, Greg felt a weird tug in his gut, and before he knew it he was shaking Holly Hills hand saying," Peace be with you Holly Elizabeth Hills", inside himself he said how could I be doing this to such a lowlife, I'm getting cooties, because the whole time someone else had been controlling him.

After church Greg and his family went home, then Greg ran to the bookstore only a block away and by the time he got there he was exhausted. He went inside the store and he heard one of the employees talking about how well the Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and Rodrick Rule's were selling. Then he heard something that made him stop cold, the store manager was talking about how the next book The Last Straw would be coming out. Well Greg completely lost it he tackled the store manager and started kicking his back. "I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU SELL THE LAST STRAW", he bellowed. Then a security guard came towards Greg, but years of Rowley's slumber parties had taught him some karate moves. He lashed out with the side of his hand to the guard's temple knocking him out then he grabbed the guard's pistol and said "take me to the section of your pre-release books or I will kill everyone in the store". One person laughed and said," As if you know how to use a pistol", Greg snapped and shot the man in the side of his head killing him. This sent the entire crowd into a frenzy, then Greg held the store manager at gunpoint and forced him to take him to where they were keeping "The Last Straw". When they got to the book Greg locked the door and shot the store manager in the head saying "I have no use for you". Greg grabbed the book and briefly read it; the book contained everything in his life every day from the hours of 8:00AM-11:00AM each day and 5:00 PM- 8:00 PM. Then Greg realized something horrible, Jeff Kinney had been controlling his entire life. Greg flipped to the about the author page and saw that Jeff Kinney lived right next to the book store. Greg ran out of the back door of the book store and ran to Jeff Kinney's house; Greg knocked on the door and waited. " Hello, this is Jeff Kinney" a voice said then the door opened, Greg immediately shot Jeff Kinney 8 times in the head screaming like a madman, then he took out his lighter and set fire to everything he saw in Jeff Kinney's house and ran out screaming in delight as he watched Jeff Kinney's house burn down." That's what you get for trying to control me you fucking bitch!" yelled Greg.

Greg raced back home, he couldn't wait to kill the rest of his family. Greg walked inside and started eating his dinner when he accidentally spilled some of his mashed potatoes on the table, Greg's dad slapped Greg on the face, then Manny threw his plate down smashing it and giggled evilly, but Greg's dad and mom just said "It's ok Manny" That was it, the last straw, Greg was so fed up he pulled out his pistol and shot Manny three times in the head, then he shot each of his parents 4 times in the head. Rodrick who had been watching the whole thing, sprinted upstairs screaming like a little girl and locked himself in the bathroom. Greg who quickly came up with a solution to this small inconvenience grabbed a hammer that had been on Greg's deceased father's lap and started hitting the door with it. Rodrick quickly opened the window and crawled out but he was fifteen feet above the ground and there was no way to get down. Greg finished knocking down the door and hit both of Rodrick's hands with his hammer. Rodrick fell fifteen feet to his death the whole time screaming like a little girl.

The next day,Greg decided it was time to kill Holly Hills, and grabbed his mom's car keys and started the car driving at 80mph all the way to the Hill's house where he ran over both of Holly's parents. Greg realized he had forgotten Holly was at school and decided to go to school, but the car had run out of gas. Greg jumped out and started running to school, but he was stopped by a police officer who was carrying an assault rifle, Greg quickly pulled out his pistol and shot the officer 10 times in the balls using up all his ammo in his pistol. Then, Greg grabbed the officer's assault rifle, a dozen ammo mags, and hundreds of grenades the officer was carrying.

Greg ran to school and arrived just as they were having an assembly. Greg was having perfect luck everyone in the school was attending the assembly and they were all far from the exit. Greg rushed into the gym and grabbed the mike and said," You all are going to pay with your lives for what you've done to me." Greg fired his assault rifle killing 60 people then he reloaded it and fired again, he kept firing until everyone in the school was dead. Then he spent the next half hour stuffing button-triggered grenades into the bodies of everyone who died then he ram from the school screaming like a madman.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day was the funeral for all the people who had died at Greg's school and Greg's family. The priest talked a long time about how all those people were great people and how their kindness would not be forgotten. Then one Greg's family members went up to the podium and began to talk , " Leslie Heffley, Frank Heffley, Emmanuel Heffley, and Rodrick Heffley were all great people, I hope Gregory Heffley is killed and rots in hell, I no longer consider him my relative." Then Greg who had been watching the scene with great interest began laughing uncontrollably, everyone looked towards him with pure anger in their face. Greg pressed a button on a remote control he was holding and the entire graveyard blew up as all the grenades in all the corpse's bodies blew up. Greg had been unhurt since he had been watching from outside the graveyard, then Greg ran away. "The boy known as Gregory Heffley has been marked as a terrorist, there is a 95,000$ bounty on his head whether he is brought dead or alive", said a news report Greg had been watching through the windows of Papa Toni's pizzeria. "Shoot, dead or alive" thought Greg, but he saw some idiot had left the keys in their car. Greg hopped in the car and drove as fast as he could away from the town.

After two days of driving Greg had reached the Rocky Mountains, Greg took out his pistol, loaded it and walked in to a nearby Beauty Salon. He shot the two ladies at the front desk and then after an hour he looked totally different no one would recognize him now. Greg signed up a nearby school under the name Roger Lee, "Time to start a terrorist organization" he thought. The next day at school Greg saw a bully harassing someone; Greg pulled out his pistol and shot the bully twice in the head. "You ok bro" said Greg, "Woah, you killed him, but you saved me anyways, so is there any way I could pay you back" the boy said, "Well, you could join my terrorist organization", said Greg, "Deal!" the boy replied. "To join you must kill your family and five other people you don't know" said Greg; "I'll do what needs to be done" said the boy.

That afternoon Greg went to the hunting shop and bought two pistols, one rifle, and a hunting knife. "Aren't you too young to be buying these things", said the Store Manager. "SHUT THE FUCK UP", yelled Greg, and then he flipped over the counter and stabbed the store manager three times in the chest, and ran out the store.

Greg ran to school and grabbed the homework answers from all his teachers' desks. Then he ran home finished his homework in five minutes, and walked over to the boy he'd rescued house. Greg heard screams then he heard several gunshots and finally silence. The boy ran out of the house carrying a rifle then he charged into his neighbor's house where there were also screams, gunshots, and silence. The boy ran out of his neighbor's house and all the way to Greg. "Can I join your terrorist group", he begged, "Please, Please, Please" "Fine ", said Greg, "Come on let's get some more members." Over the next few days 50 boys and girls joined Greg's terrorist group and 300 children and 800 adults had been killed. By now Greg had realized his terrorist group needed a name so he called it L.T.G which stands for Lee Terrorist Group. Greg and his followers set up a fortress high in the Rocky Mountains. The following week they received 100 new members and 5 new fighter planes, and 10 tanks. One month later when Greg's terrorist group had 2,500 members 200 fighter jets and 400 tanks. The nest day Greg led an assault on Colorado and after five days of fighting managed to capture it, declaring Colorado as a new country called The United State of Coloradistan.

Meanwhile, in San Francisco Alex Rider was running around the block when he realized he was being followed. It was already too late, since he felt a tranquilizer dart enter his calf and everything went blank. When Alex woke up he found himself tied to a chair facing Alan Blunt and Ms. Jones. "How could you!" yelled Alex, "I thought you said going to Egypt would be my last mission" "Where sorry, but we need an agent to infiltrate Colora" said Ms. Jones, but Alex interrupted her before she could finish, "I honestly don't care alright", said Alex. "Come on Alex, haven't you heard how L.T.G just killed 75,000 people and how they captured Colorado" Ms. Jones said. "Fine I'll do it, only if you sign a legal document that states I no longer have to do anything for MI6" Alex said. "Deal" said Ms. Jones though you could tell she was grinding her teeth. "Smithers has some gadgets for you" said Ms. Jones. Alex walked into Smithers room , Alex saw that Smithers was still wearing his fat suit. "Ahh, Alex you've returned" said Smithers, "Not by choice" Alex grumbled under his breath. Smithers pulled out a Transformers toy , "spin the head twice and it turns into a gun, pull out the magazine and reinsert it twice and turns back into a Transformers toy" said Smithers, then he pulled out a Hershey's bar, " Press the Hershey's logo twice and the wrapper explodes, concealed within the Hershey's bar is a carbon-steel knife" Smithers finally pulled out two contacts, "These will allow us to see what you're seeing". Smithers gave Alex the gadgets, then two security agents led Alex out of the room and into a black limousine. Then Alex arrived at Heathrow airport and boarded the flight to Boston. Halfway to Boston to fighter jets with the logos L.T.G attached themselves to the plane and began pulling it to Colorado. After four hours more of the flight , the fighter planes forced the plane to land somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. Their plane was immediately boarded by men wielding rifles who killed everyone aboard except Alex whom they shot with a tranquilizer gun. The world turned blank, and Alex Rider lost consciousness. When Alex woke up he found himself tied to a table buy dental floss. He saw Greg Heffley, the infamous terrorist staring over him and Greg said, "As you can see we are on an extremely tight budget and had to tie you up with dental floss, you also may be wondering why we let you live?" Greg paused for a few seconds then said, "It's so you can join our terrorist group!" Greg said excitedly. Alex was about to refuse but he decided this was his only chance to tell MI6 about L.T.G, "Alright I'll join" said Alex. "Yaaay!" said Greg jumping up and down like an excited little girl. Alex had dealt with a lot of terrorist's in his time, but this one by far was the craziest. Greg took out a pair of scissors and cut Alex free, come on let me show you the orientation video. Alex felt his pocket; sure enough all the gadgets were there. Alex took out his contacts and put them on.

Alex watched the orientation video and he was very disturbed by what he saw. "L.T.G will rule the world" the first part of the video said, "We have already captured Colorado, next we will capture California and Florida and cut off the United States supply of citrus fruits, after that everyone will turn to fast food, and become giant gluttons unable to withstand our invasion, then we will take over the United States. When the United States falls China will have lost a big consumer then grow weak, then we will conquer China. Once China has been conquered many countries will surrender as one of the main countries they import goods from has been conquered. Then the remaining countries will bow down to us since we have such a large empire." Then it said, "WORLD DOMINATION IS OURS!" Everyone in the room cheered, Alex felt sick to his stomach." L.T.G ruling the world", he thought, Alex had only wanted a break from all the terrorist stuff but he guessed there was no escape.


	4. Chapter 4

That night, Alex decided he needed to get rid of Greg for good. Alex walked to outside Greg's private quarters but he could already was facing a problem. There was a thick steel gate that blocked entrance to Greg's room, luckily Alex had a solution. Alex unwrapped his Hershey's bar, and pressed the Hershey's logo, immediately the Hershey's wrapper grew hot and Alex crumpled up the wrapper threw it at the gate, then ran back. There was a loud boom, and when Alex turned back to look at the gate, rubble was the only thing that remained. Immediately an alarm went off, Alex pulled out his Transformer toy, spun the head twice and it turned into a gun. A guard ran out carrying an Ak-47 and before the guard could pull the trigger Alex fired 3 shots into the guard's head and the guard slumped over dead. Alex heard the sound of gunfire shooting out of the room, so he picked up the guard's body and threw at the other guard who was shooting. The guard's body hit the other guard causing him to open his mouth in pain, and in a split-second, Alex removed the carbon-steel knife from the Hershey bar, then threw the Hershey bar into the guard's throat where it lodged causing him to choke. Alex then went inside to take care of Greg.

Greg was holding a gun, and started firing at Alex as soon as he entered, with the skill of a ninja, Alex threw the knife at Greg, and it went through Greg's hand and into the wall, holding Greg there. Greg cried out in pain and dropped his gun, Alex walked forward and punched Greg in the mouth. Blood began dripping down the side of Greg's cheek. "What have I ever done to you?" wailed Greg. "SHUT UP!" roared Alex and this time he punched Greg in the stomach, and Greg cried out. "You have been a frickin terrorist and you expect me to take mercy on you!" roared Alex, "terrorists killed my parents, my uncle, and my caretaker, they ruined my damn life!" Suddenly a bunch of Greg's supporters burst into the room, and pointed guns at Alex. "Surrender!" they yelled, and before they could act Alex pressed his gun into Greg's head, and said, "If any of you moves, he dies, now I want you all to drop your guns" All of them complied and dropped their guns, still holding Greg at gunpoint he walked forward to one of the dropped rifles, stepped on it, flipped it up like a skate-board and caught it in his hand. Then Alex shot Greg in the head, and started firing at everyone with the rifle, all of Greg's supporters weren't that strong and didn't have fast enough reflexes so they all died.

A loud boom echoed throughout the building, "what was that?" thought Alex, debris began raining down, and huge cracks appeared in the floor. Greg got up and tackled Alex, blood was flowing from his temple and tried to punch Alex, but Alex caught his hand bent his fist back and kicked Greg in the stomach, hearing Greg's ribs crack. Greg fell down and Alex shot him three times in the chest, "must not give up" groaned Greg, Greg got up and Alex tried to shoot Greg, "damn I'm out of bullets" thought Alex. Alex kicked Greg and Greg fell into one of the large cracks, but he had caught onto Alex's leg, and Alex was being dragged down, "you're going down with me", said Greg. Alex kicked Greg in the face and he let go screaming as he fell down into the depths.

Greg screaming "no…" was still ringing in Alex's ears as he boarded the flight back to California. "Thank Goodness, I won't have to do that spy stuff anymore" thought Alex. Then Alex went to his home in San Francisco and had a nice, long sleep.


End file.
